Once again Jaco has delivered. Although direct flights will take you an entire day, Melbourne has been voted the most liveable city in the entire world for much of the 2010s, which means that you can’t go wrong when visiting. In fact, it’s the one city in the world which you would have to make the time and effort to go and visit. It’s the second most populous city in the country after Sydney and it also has the most extensive freeway network in the country. If you didn’t pack your Ford Kia in your carry-on and don’t want to hire a car, you can always use the trams, which make up the largest urban tram network in the world. They don’t seem to do anything half-assed, so before I bore you into a coma, let’s get into the good stuff and all the best things to do in Melbourne.
The Australian Open
Home to the first tennis grand slam of the calendar year, The Australian Open is a must see and do if you find yourself in Melbourne around the middle or end of January. Even if you don’t like tennis, it’s still worth a go to soak up the electric atmosphere and watch these athletes sweat it out in the hot, Australian weather. Starting around the middle of January each year, this tournament runs for exactly two weeks, with the women’s final being played on that last Saturday and the men’s final on that last Sunday. For two weeks, these players have duked it out on court and like Christopher Lambert in the Highlander movies say, ‘There can be only one!’
Such an event and most importantly the final, is something that will be cemented in history forever and to be able to witness that in person, is something that will stay with you until you go into the light. And if you get to see this man in the picture above, you can happily walk into that light. Prices for these tickets vary so much, that I won’t be able to tell you. Once you are ready to go, please click here for al details and prices.
Sitting on the space of two city blocks on the south bank of the Yarra river, this casino and resort is the biggest casino complex in the entire Southern Hemisphere. So, if you want to lose your money in a casino, you might as well do it in style. This complex has it all; hotel accommodation, transport in the form of multiple tram lines to take you anywhere that you want to go, food and drink, slot machines and tables where you can try your luck, or if you have a system, fill up your bankroll.
This will be any gambler’s heaven on earth. Open 24 hours a day and seven days a week, apart from Christmas Day, Good Friday and Anzac day when it’s closed for the mornings, you can go anytime that you want or as soon as you had that vivid, jackpot-winning dream. It will feel as if you took a wrong turn-off and ended up in Las Vegas… Now let’s talk numbers.
Exact Size – 510,000 m². That’s how much space this entire complex take up and that’s how much fun you’ll have.
Slot Machines – Locally known as poker machines, this casino offers 3500 different machines, ranging from one cent to one dollar, with two and five-dollar machines available in the VIP area. Plenty of opportunity to get rid of some unwanted cash.
Table Games – They have 540 table games where you can play the six main games, craps, poker, blackjack, pai gow, roulette and baccarat. This is where your system come into play, because any seasoned gambler has a system. You can email me for my poker and roulette systems, which I’ll give to you free of charge if you purchased anything through my website.
Poker Tables – There are 100 poker tables, which offer varieties of poker, including most people’s favourite and also the most exiting type of poker, called Texas hold ’em and more particularly, no limit Texas hold ’em. This is where you can give away your life’s savings with one hand. It’s heart-wrenching and life-wrecking, but it’s super exiting and can get the juices flowing. Imagine someone walking away with your house keys; you’ll probably need some new underwear.
This is the richest poker tournament in the Southern Hemisphere; held each year at the Crown Casino, The Aussie Millions, as it is commonly known, consists of a series of tournaments, with the main event attracting professionals from all over the world. It’s broadcasted on television and quite a big deal in the world of poker. Needless to say, the atmosphere is fantastic, even if you are not a poker player.
Each year around 700 players pay A$10,000 each for the main event to try and win some of the A$7 million price pool. As soon as the final two players have been decided, they bring out the money, which is usually around A$2 million and those two then duke it out to take home the cheddar. The runner-up then cries in the corner while contemplating what could have been; so close, but still so far. And all this can be viewed from the spectator’s area. If anything else (in my case, never), you don’t often get to see a pile of cash like that, unless you were a friend of Al Capone.
What and where to eat
As mentioned before, these Aussies do stuff properly and as you would expect, the amount of restaurants and bars in and around the complex are in abundance. As far as I can see, they have at least 18 places where you can enjoy fine dining or try to forget that Bruce had just driven off with your house keys. From The Rockpool Bar and Grill where you can enjoy a sophisticated atmosphere and ambient lighting to the Conservatory, which offers luxury of the highest order. With its lavish interior and stylish cushioned chairs, you get to enjoy the best buffet in Melbourne. Two Birds.
Visiting each of these bars and restaurants during your four-day visit, is the fastest way to get onto the Dr Phill Show. You can be one of those people that gets rescued with a crane and lowered onto the back of a truck. Steaks, hamburgers, sushi, pastas, seafood and many more dishes from around the world, the list goes on and in my personal opinion a much better way to spend your money than giving it to someone in a bowtie and waistcoat that always hits blackjack when you stand on 20.
Where to sleep
Once your systems paid off, you can spring for the room in the video above. Nothing fancy, just a two-bedroom Crystal Villa with your own butler, cocktail bar, deep-soaking bath and separate living room. This luxury accommodation will make you feel like a celebrity in a private residence. As you crawl your way into your room after buying shares in every single bar that Crown has to offer, you will not scrape your hands and knees on your everyday, run-of-the-mill laminate floors; instead you get to throw up in an over-sized bathroom spectacularly kitted out in marble, before passing out on the most luxurious and softest carpets known to mankind. Just make sure that you wipe your face before you go to sleep; they won’t like it if you stain their carpets. The price to never remember your stay will only set you back £4000 or $4800 per night. The good thing is that this villa sleeps four people, whom will hopefully help you onto your bed before they turn off the lights.
If your systems didn’t come through for you and you only have money left for the bare necessities, you can spring for the much more cost-effective option that will only cost you £280 or £339 for two people for the night. Their bathrooms are also made of marble, but just not as big. They also come with a tv, minibar, wifi and all the other amenities normally associated with these resorts and the views are fantastic.
Visiting Melbourne just to spend a week in this resort is so worth it. Apart from all the gambling, eating and sleeping off any hangovers, you can also enjoy live music, concerts and theatre or nip down to the spa to get a well-deserved massage and where they will pamper you into a semi-vegetable state. Dance the night away in one of two nightclubs hosted by some of the world’s biggest DJs performing each week, before popping in for a nightcap in any of the four cocktail bars on your way to bed. This resort truly is amazing and there are much more to do than what I’ve just mentioned, so please check here for full details and to book your accommodation, please check here.
Ever wondered how it feels to be scared for your life? I think that I might have just found a way for you to find out. First opened in December 1912, Luna Park has been operating almost uninterrupted since then. Most people and families visiting this amusement park are people with fond memories having spent time there in their youth. For tourists like us, this amusement park might not be the most appealing, but it does have something that is the most extreme in its category. It has the oldest continuously operating roller coaster in the entire world. So if nothing else, you get to experience something that sits in a number one spot.
Built and first used in 1912, this roller coaster has been running since then on the same, wooden track. Wood that had endured all the elements and sea air for a 100 years. Moisture gets into wood. The world’s top roller coasters are built to thrill and theme parks are always trying to build them bigger and faster to try and scare the hell out of you. The Scenic Railway Roller Coaster will scare the hell out of you in a different way. When you are zooming along high above the ground on that wooden track and you have no idea how long it still has left, the type of thrill that you will experience will be a completely different type of thrill. Thrill, angst, fearing for your life…. the point is that you will need to visit with extra underwear in your backpack and a psychiatrist’s business card in your wallet. And if you cry in front of your better half, a subscription to Tinder.
This park is not a conventional theme park and offers two sessions of three hours each a day. So if you want to play the whole day, you would need to buy two tickets at £28 or $35 each for anyone over the age of four years and £12 or $15 for the youngest ones. I think that it’s quite steep unless they can guarantee you short lines for each ride. Any theme park enthusiasts will know that waiting in line for an hour or more for a popular ride, happens more often than not. Full details and prices can be found here.
Boat Cruise on the Yarra River
This must be the most relaxing way to do sightseeing. It’s a known fact that water has a very calming effect and cruising along a river while taking in the amazing scenery a city like Brisbane has to offer, and sipping on a few cocktails, can only be good. This is definitely my preferred way, because I’m not a big fan of bumping against strangers in the street while trying to make your way from one attraction to another. These cruises are not that long; just around an hour each, but I think that it’s long enough. If you want to stay a little longer, just get another ticket and if you want a little more exhilaration, pass the driver a few double brandies under the table, put on some skis, hook up to a rope and tell him to hit the gas.
These cruises operate all year long and will bring you a view that you don’t get to see every day. The price of £20 or $24 price per adult includes tea or coffee, while children between the ages of 4-14 travel for half price and as with most attractions in Australia, the youngest ones get to do it all for free. They have a bar on board in case you couldn’t drop off your mother-in-law at daycare or if the driver chats your ears off. It will surely make for a more enjoyable trip.
Where to start
Cruises for this operator currently depart from Berth 2, Federation Walk in Princess Street, instead of Berth 4 like it used to be and you need to be there at least 10min before departure. They have a few different types of tours, travelling to different destinations, so please check here for full details and prices.
We have made it to the end of our Australian journey. I have covered all the territories and the three biggest cities as well as the country’s capital, Canberra. Melbourne has much more to offer and are famous for their rooftop bars. Some bar hopping to visit them all, could make for a fun day….. or week and Google is a great place to find all the best ones. The official Australian website and a few other sites covering Melbourne’s attractions, all claim that Melbourne has the best coffee in the world. Clearly those people haven’t tasted my mom’s coffee, but it’s worth trying when you go there.
Safe travels as always and don’t forget to share this page with everyone that you know, don’t know, like, don’t like. 🙂
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